To introduce you to the world of Therefore Productions, we’ll be running a series of interviews with members of the company.  First up is someone very special to us: our mascot, The Therefore Lion.

Bill Bodkin: Thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

The Therefore Lion:  No! Thank you for having me! It’s a real pleasure and an honor. I want to eat you so bad right now. Oh Lion, did you just say that out loud? Yes, I did. No you didn’t! Sorry, you probably think I’m drunk.  Do you think I’m drunk?

BB:  Are you asking me or yourself?

TTL: Let’s do this!

BB:  We’ll start off with a little background. Tell us about your childhood. Where were you born?

TTL:  Lions aren’t born, they are grown in massive fields and their bodies are used as batteries to power machines that simulate reality.  Sorry, I’m messing with you.  Last night I saw “The Matrix: Reloaded” for the first time on VHS, and it’s really amazing.  It is hands-down the best movie ever made about both philosophy and doing karate on copious amounts of white guys.  Back to your question: I was born from my mother’s vagina, then I spent the next 35 years leading a life of limitless pleasure and now I’m here answering questions.  And just to clear the air and dispel any rumors: no, I’m not a ghost.

BB: What?

TTL: I’m not a ghost.  Listen, I look really young for my age so a lot of people jump to the conclusion that I died at the age of 20 and that I’m a ghost. Because in scary movies when someone dies, say when they’re 20 years old, their ghosts look 20 years old.  Ghosts don’t age. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I look really young, healthy and attractive for my age.

BB: Speaking of attractiveness, I heard that you were discovered as a logo model while getting your toenails clipped at a local salon. Who discovered you and what did they see in you?

TTL: Yes! I WAS discovered while getting my toenails did!  That morning I had violently mauled and devoured my own pride, which I immediately regretted.  I was just so hungry.  Anyway, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself and nothing un-craps me like paying $80.00 to have my nails professionally chopped off my feet.  Long story short, the nail technician accidentally chopped off part of my big toe and, just as I started screaming, a gentleman named Edward Chang (art director for Therefore Productions) walked into the salon holding a sketchpad.  He looked up, we locked eyes and he starting sketching my face really hard!  My face, full of pain, anger and confusion gave the Therefore Productions logo its trademark look.  Ed told me that my contorted face “just oozed Therefore Productions.”  How could I say no? For the first time in my life, my face oozed!  The lesson here is that you can never know what hand life is going to deal you. A day could start off terribly, with you singlehandedly wiping out your entire family, but then end with you landing a sweet, completely unpaid modeling gig.

BB: Therefore Productions always jokes about being “a film company with father issues.” Do you have father issues and how does that affect your work with Therefore Productions?

TTL:  I don’t have Daddy issues anymore! And even if I did, I would never let them affect my work….

At this point in the interview, the Therefore Lion began crying and opened up a locket, shaped like a lion, that he had stowed away inside a lion-shaped purse.  Inside the locket was a picture of the Therefore Lion’s Father devouring his own Father.  After about 10-15 minutes of crying, screaming and really weird coughing fits, the lion finally spoke with a face full of tears.

TTL: I ate my dad for brunch!

BB: Dear God, I’m so sorry to hear that.

TTL: (sobbing) I ate my Dad 2 days after he ate his Dad.  My Dad ate his Dad 2 days ago.  I ate my Dad today … for brunch. I took a picture! Look! It’s in my Dad shaped locket.  My Dad’s dad is dead and so is my Dad, and my Granddad was like a Dad to me so it was kind of like losing two Dads. I lost My Two Dads this week!  I hate my Dad and my Dad’s Dad for making my Dad hate me!

BB: Therefore Productions has a slogan comparing themselves to “a lion in a confessional.” Did you inspire that? Do you have a history of going to confessionals?

TTL:  Not many people know this about me, but I really love going to confession – Catholic confession in particular.  I LOVE it!  I love going so much that I will honestly go out of my way to sin, just so that I can spend the day in a confessional booth.  If only I were pure evil, then I could spend my entire life in a confessional.  Who wouldn’t want that? Who wouldn’t want to live a life where you spend 1 hour a day sinning and 23 hours confessing those sins to a priest?  But yes, who knows if I inspired the motto?  Maybe I did or maybe I didn’t.  All I know is that confession feels great after you’ve sinned for hours.  A lot of people in  the industry make fun of me because I go to confession all the time, but when it comes down to it, it’s not funny at all. I actually need to go to confession a lot because I’m a sex pervert.

BB: Are you a big fan of MGM films? Their logo features a lion as well.

TTL:  I’m aware of the lion you speak of and I’m 100% sure that he sucks.  I met him two years ago at MGM’s wrap party for “Stomp The Yard” and he spent the whole night doing lines of blow off a Wii-mote while playing MarioKart, licking everyone’s napes because he thought they smelled like purple Push Pops, and reciting long form mathematical equations through a vocoder.  The saddest part of the night was when he performed all of the krump/step dances from “Stomp The Yard” on a bed of nails and glass.  I think he really hates himself.  But yes, I do like some MGM films like “Son In Law,” “8 Heads in a Duffle Bag” and “Overboard” starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.  Oh, and “Stomp The Yard”.

BB: As this interview comes to a close, I wanted to ask you something very personal:  Do you know that you’re crazy?

TTL: Absolutely.

BB:  Finally, what quality that you saw in Therefore Productions made you sign on to be their logo model?

TTL:  Anyone who has worked with Therefore Productions knows that there’s one thing distinguishing them from the rest of the entertainment industry, and that-

Suddenly a zombie version of the Therefore Lion’s Dad burst through the door riding a unicycle, juggling stuffed animal lions and yelling, “My son! My son! Why have you eaten me?”

TTL: Mom!?

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