Vickdang isn’t usually scared of anything. Well, except for these 15 things!

1. A nuclear holocaust that renders me both blind and really scared of zombies.
2. A nuclear holocaust that turns everyone else in the world into zombies that have the same skill sets they had when they were human.
3. Meeting a zombie named Fred Reynolds, whose best skill when he was human was fighting blind people.
4. Being chased by Fred down an empty, dead-end alley whose walls are made of both sharp objects and zombies whose best skill when they were human was grabbing.
5. Finding a defective shotgun at the end of the alleyway, that, no matter where it’s aimed, will shoot me square in the nuts.
6. Smirking at Fred as he closes in on me; aiming the defective shotgun at his face; spouting a cocky one-liner like ”Say Cheese” or “You look like you could use some iron in your diet”; taking comfort in the fact that at this range I couldn’t possibly miss him and then pulling the trigger.
7. Zombies that are thrown into fits of both laughter and rage when someone’s crotch is mutilated by a weapon that operates much differently than it should.
8. Falling to the ground and blindly grasping for any object to swing at Fred only to find that the object I grabbed was Fred.
9. Hearing the zombies’ laughter grow heartier as the irony of my situation becomes more and more apparent.
10. Learning that another human being survived the nuclear holocaust, only to find out that, for some reason, that human had always hoped for a zombie apocalypse and that, rather than use his properly designed shotgun on Fred’s face, he plans to shoot me exclusively in the nuts.
11. Forgetting that the shotgun I found has a terrible flaw.
12. Remembering the terrible flaw a half second too late to prevent myself from pulling the trigger.
13. Finding out that the song “Oops, I Did It Again” by Britney Spears plays from the shotgun’s on-board speakers the second time you fire it.
14. Being eaten alive by Fred while thinking “God, my crotch hurts so much that being eaten alive would be a relief!”
15. Finding out firsthand that not only does heaven not exist, but that the only afterlife that does is one where I can’t die no matter how many times I get shot in the crotch by shotguns.

CC Photo From Flickr by theogeo